I’m done July 18, 2010

Sunday morning, and I’m throwing in the towel. Mostly because I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and we have soccer camp and friends coming for dinner. NO WAY on earth I would welcome friends into this house right now. Soccer, well Thor has ‘miss-placed’ a shin pad, and they are required for play. So while I do not plan on busting my hump to find it for him; to be fair he needs a little heads up and waiting until tomorrow morning would be cruel. But honestly, even without those two factors, I’d still be done. I can’t handle how messy the house is anymore. So I’m done.

At breakfast we talked about the week we just had. I asked TnT what they learned that I did for them, which that they hadn’t really ever noticed until this week and I asked them what they learned they could do on their own when I wasn’t there to interfere with progress. To get the convo going I had to ask a few leading question like “how about going to the river” or “how about how our house looks right now” or “how about meals”. Thor said “it’s messy”. Oh, such an understatement. The number of ants in our house has gone up substantially – mostly from the brown sugar fiesta. But the number of Popsicle wrappers on the floor, the sticky surfaces – every time I touch a surface I find a new sticky spot – I can’t even keep up with the number of times I have had to wipe a door knob because I wasn’t saying “would you like to sit at the table or go outside  to eat that?”. I asked him what he noticed that I did for all of us when we went out of the house – for instance, when we went swimming. He said “life jackets”, and I asked if he noticed anything else, he said no. I did ask if he would like to hear what I noticed, he said OK, so I told him about both he and Talula asking me if I had food or a towel. He then said “maybe next time we should each pack for ourselves”. Bingo. We’ve started the process. I asked Talula similar questions she said “you didn’t do things for me”.

Here are my learning thoughts that have either seeped into my brain during the week or hit me full in the face like a big wet slap;

I hate sticky.

I have ‘issues’ with boundaries, and as of right now have NO thoughts on how to train that.

Sleep is very important to me – not just for myself, but mostly for the kids. I don’t handle over-tired children well.

My daughter will probably dance on tables in University, and with any luck not much earlier.

They are really quite capable in the kitchen getting themselves food, but there is no concept of cleaning up after themselves. So now I have a new training area.

But mostly, thankfully, to the brown sugar challenge and forcing myself to remain calm and respectful reminded me that this all feels good. That while the immediate response of yelling (or whatever) satisfies some base need in the short term, the guilt that follows is too much. So why parent in a way that makes you (not to mention the child) feel like s- -t when there are other ways?

I can’t remember what’s up next week, so we’ll be watching the DVD tonight.

Later.

We’re all in the car July 17, 2010

Here we all are. Waiting. We are trying to go do a couple of errands to get soccer equip – they start soccer camp on Monday. I told them what time we’d be leaving and they both came out in time, but Talula came out wearing a shirt, with the tie from my housecoat wrapped around like a scarf, her pull-up still on and wearing my clogs. I draw the line at pull-ups. They had said “you can go now” as soon as they were both buckled in, and they got a “Yes, I will move us on to the store when everyone is dressed appropriately”. So we are waiting, she had buckled herself in – back in her 5 point harness car seat – and they just worked together to get her unbuckled and off she went to get dressed.

Now she just came out wearing Thor’s shorts which she has to hold up with her hands, and Thor is not exactly happy about it. Off she goes again. Still no shoes, because she can’t find any, because nobody has been cleaning up the trail of clothes that she leaves everywhere. Then Thor says “I’ll help you”. He must be really motivated to get some soccer stuff.

Out they came, Talula wearing miss-matched shoes, but there are shoes on both her feet. Off we go.

Later in the day….

So now Day Six is just about over. Thankfully, because I think I am just about done. I will do my best to do the day tomorrow, but really I am just going to be happy if I keep it together because our house if officially a pig sty and it is officially making me mental.

Here’s a nugget I just learned July 16, 2010

My daughter is not ready to ride in a booster seat. She may be ready according to height and weight, but that is where it stops.

I just stopped at a local convenience store…this is where I say I was buying milk, but no, the stop was for cold beer for the weekend.

I was walking up to the counter with my Heineken (good hot weather beer) and the nice lady at the counter turned towards me and said “mam (hate that word) your daughter is standing on the roof of your car”. Very calmly I looked out the window, and indeed there she was. And I don’t mean the hood of my car – the roof – and I drive a Honda Pilot, no short car.

The best part – she only had a shirt on, she was once again bottomless (which was her choice, and why she was in the car instead of with me in the store). So there she was in all her glory, half naked on the roof of my car. When I walked outside (at which point she saw me and did a little jig) I very calmly said “how are you going to get down?” she replied with “don’t worry, but don’t drive away ok?”.

OK.

Would you like one lump or two? July 16, 2010

Day Five!!

This is the day that put me over the edge the last time round. And, I’m feeling like we can make it a bit further this time – provided there is not another sugar adventure in the next couple of days.

Yesterday morning took it out of me emotionally. My former go to method of parenting ~ yelling ~ was so at the forefront of my brain that took serious effort to hold it back. But I did, and as a result I was wiped at the end of the clean up. And in return, I gave my self a DNSN break for the rest of the day – relied on old stand-byes; choices, yes as soon as, would you be willing etc. It has slipped a little into my day this morning, but I am back committed to getting through the next couple of days to the end of the week and moving on in the PoT program.

Breakfast today was interesting – I don’t believe Thor had anything. Talula had left over cotton candy from our trip to see Circus Smirkus yesterday (if you live in New England, and you’ve never seen them, you gotta go – what these kids do is amazing). Then she moved on to some hidden mini Oreos left over from our road-trip that she found (I get through long road trips giving them goody bags of c-r-a-p that I don’t otherwise buy). Now they have moved on to left over waffles that we keep in the freezer – but they figured out how to re-heat them on their own. I am going to interfere somewhat when it comes to nap time – we got home ridiculously late, and while they slept in the car, I believe Talula at least is in need of a nap (and we are going out tonight to friends – so it will be ugly if she is crazy over-tired). I think over-tired children is one of my buttons, because it is such a distraction from their lives, as well as my own, and the solution is so dang easy. And by distraction I mean, if they are so over-tired that even the simplest or even enjoyable thing cannot be done without whining/crying/sadness then what’s the point? And generally the cause of much whining/crying/sadness is exhaustion with my kids (not to say that there isn’t whining other times – they aren’t perfect – but it’s a different level). So, interfere I shall.

Happy Friday all.

I am spent July 15, 2010

It’s 11:23am. The clean up started nearly 1 1/2 hours ago. It was a task. Every bone in me wanted to boss her around and then just do it myself, making her feel as though what she did wasn’t good enough.

The majority of the mess was in her bedroom, which was such a disaster that it meant the sugar was everywhere. All her clothes were on the floor, clean, dirty and questionable. Her dresser is empty and there is a gigantic pile of laundry in the laundry room. She, very ingeniously, wrapped more dirty clothes up in a dirty sheet hobo style when her laundry basket got too full for more. On the up side, her room is spotless now.

She started off by getting a bowl of soapy water, a sponge and a dog towel. She cleaned for a while and then stopped. We talked about how it was going, not so well was her conclusion. The she started complaining that she was sore…from the sugar I suppose…so her solution was to sit in a bowl of water she had been using to clean up…unfortunately the bowl is full of sugar-water. So on to bath #2 during clean-up.

DNSN basically went out the window. NOT being involved in this clean-up was not an option. But I asked a lot of questions, noticed things with her, and showed her lots, and did my damnedest to not lose my cool. I was not perfect, I couldn’t resist asking her if I could give the inside of her dresser drawer one final wipe, but on the other hand when she walked away from the vacuum (which I was helping her do) with her hands over her ears, I just stood there, vacuum on, waiting for her to return to help.

Now she is having bath #3.

Is it too early for a Gin & Tonic?

Deep Breath July 15, 2010

I walked away. And now I need to get my heart rate to slow down so that I can deal with Talula in a way that won’t squash her little soul.

Sugar. Again. But this time it was the brown sugar and there is lots of it – I just put a new bag in the container a couple of days ago. She just came into my room, after I walked away; she happens to have gotten naked for this adventure and she is covered – head to toe – in a thin film of brown sugar. I asked if she would be willing to leave, because she may be OK covered in sugar, but I am not OK with it in my room. She left.

Now she is freaking out because the dog has gravitated to the scene. Great, so not only is it possible that Talula ate so much sugar she’s going to be sick, but maybe my dog too.

I have asked her how she would like to get the sugar off her body. She is now in a bath she just ran.

Sweet tooth? Yup. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child? Maybe, but is this misbehaviour or curiosity?

OK. Now lets see how the clean up goes. Keep calm and carry on. Keep your eyes on the prize and hold on.

Day Four, refreshed (?) July 15, 2010

That has yet to be seen, I think.

I just walked away from the breakfast table and I am now enjoying my coffee outside. Breakfast had started fantastically. Thor made porridge, Talula was going to make scrambled eggs, sans chocolate, until she decided she would have porridge first, eggs later. When Thor sat down at the table and asked for the milk (which is still on the table from Monday) Talula reminded him it’s gone bad. That seemed to be enough to upset him. It’s funny that a fellow blogger talked about her son that fell asleep very early, yet woke up whiny. Same thing here. Thor was asleep at 5pm. We decided to wake him up, being a little worried that he’d wake up at 2 or 3 am in the morning ready to start the day. Clearly, he’s tired.

Talula has joined me outside, and oh my, had just poured the sour, curdled milk on her porridge. OK. One bite won’t make her sick, but I’m jumping in after that if necessary. Not necessary. Lesson learned, maybe, we’ll see if the milk gets put back in the fridge next time.

Thor is making raspberry noises out the window. But I can see he’s helped himself to the sugar and has gotten over the lack of milk, if not still being rude.

I can’t remember what he asked from me, but I said;

“Sorry, can’t DNSN that is interfering”

{whine} “But this is interfering”

“What is?”

“You not saying anything”

“How so?”

“Because I can’t remember anything on my own”

“Would you rather that I yell and constantly nag you to get things done?”

“You don’t yell much {good to know}, and I can’t remember things other wise”

“OK. But if I constantly remember for you, you won’t learn on your own. How will forgetting things affect a job when you are older?”

“Fired”.

And then the banging, crying, whining and pleas began. Which brings me outside, enjoying my coffee, but the no-see-ums, not so much.

I’m struggling, day three. July 14, 2010

It’s truly a good thing that I had work today.

Last night was different. Thor went to bed no problem, not surprising. Talula, did not. I asked her how long she wanted to play until bed time, she gave me a time, we talked about what that looked like on her clock. The time came and went and she wasn’t ready, fine, no problem. I went and said good night to her, she flipped a bit asked for a story and a song and I said “sorry, sweetie, the time has passed, maybe tomorrow”. She handled that fine – this isn’t the first time and she usually gets ready and puts herself to bed – not immediately, but does so 10 or 15 minutes later. Not last night, it took about an hour and a half. Her Dad and I would be downstairs, she’d come down and try to play with us. We’d walk up to our room and read, she’d come visit us. And on it went, back and forth. All along we’re saying “good night Talula”. Finally I said, “I am done for the day, you can stay awake or go to bed, no matter to me, but would you be willing to stay in your room?”. Finally sometime after 9:30pm she went to bed. I was done, really done.

Our morning was fine, not stellar. Talula had daycare – which she hasn’t had in nearly a month because of this that and the other. So, I decided that DNSN in this instance was mostly unfair with respect to food – she goes to a small daycare – not something that I should expect her daycare provider to deal with. I did ask her about what she needed to get ready to go to Patricia’s, and she packed her backpack – with what, I have no idea. So, we got out of the house. With some interfering.

I’ve had a big thought that has caused me to over think this whole process, and it’s causing me to second guess everything. When we started the program over again 6 months ago Vicki suggested we stay away from some parenting strategies that we had learned that may have become a crutch for us – “yes, as soon as”, “would you be willing” etc. In asking Vicki about a question from day one – she reminded me that the point was to avoid the interfering strategies, not to stop parenting. SO NOW WHAT? At first I was thinking, well, maybe choices are ok – as long as they are fair choices; not fuzzy teddy bear or cactus choices. But maybe I use that too much and it’s become a crutch. So should I say “do you want to clean up the games that are out before or after we go for a swim?”. Generally it would be work before play with “chores”, not even really a choice to do it before or after a swim – it would be “yes, we can go swimming after the games are cleaned up”. OR, do I leave the game mess (which is making me completely mental BTW – now scrabble and a matching game have been added to the mix), and wait to ask questions about what they learned this week about our house/our lives when their Dad and I step back? See? I’m WAY over thinking it and I can’t shut it down.

Is anyone else struggling with this, or is just me? I’m done for the day, I will re-charge and get ready for day four.

EEEEEeeewwWWww!!!! July 14, 2010

Chocolate scrambled eggs.

Need I say more?

Talula’s response after trying them? “Not good”.

DNSN, day two July 13, 2010

Talula indeed fell asleep on her bed in 1/2 her bathing suit. I went in to kiss her good night, and I couldn’t help myself- I pulled the clothes out from under her that had been piled on her bed (chances are good she’ll be wet in the morning and it just looked so damned uncomfortable sleeping on all the lumps).

AND, now it’s morning time and she is still strutting around in her bathing suit top, having a yogurt pop for breakfast. Thor is making himself porridge for breakfast (with a little direction from his Dad).

Our house is beginning to look the part of DNSN. Game pieces are everywhere – even outside. And I mean ALL our games. UGH. Monopoly money everywhere. There is half a gallon of milk on the table from breakfast yesterday (not sure what I’ll due when the sour smell starts), clothes and dishes (taken from the table by our dog) are all over the floor and being summertime the chaos has spread outdoors. Heavy sigh, it’s only day 2.

The stuff everywhere gets to me – but not just because it’s a mess,  it has occurred to me. It is the culmination of the stuff throughout the DNSN week that they get into and my lack of ability to deal with boundaries that isn’t done in a completely useless/interfering way. The boundaries are basically non-existent and feel like when I answer the question “Can I have —- {insert expensive thing here that belongs to someone who’s house we are visiting}?” it falls completely on deaf ears. For me the answer is generally  “no”, and that’s the extent of it. But there seems to be no respect for things that aren’t theirs – everything is theirs as far as they believe – I think. SO clearly I have found a HUGE area that I need to work on.

OK. Onward.

It’s around noon now. I think I will just start to make myself lunch and see what comes of it. I am fairly sure Talula has had a steady stream of popsicles,  yogurt pops and cheese sticks today and nothing else. Thor has done well food-wise: porridge, more strawberries and now he is making himself toast for lunch. No idea if a nap will happen for Talula, but she is in need of one I think, so she may choose that path. She has been fairly busy with me out in the garden, and actually did get dressed for about 15 minutes. Thor has been playing games on my iPod for about an hour (?maybe longer, not sure, just hoping the battery will run out at this point). He did say earlier “when you (as me, the Mum) don’t do things, I don’t know how to remember to do them myself”; which I thought was great insight – but he did want to talk about it any more than that.

I did finally ask Talula if she wanted a nap, telling myself that her answer was the law, NO INTERFERING. She said yes. Oh, thank you.

Oh, and something happened yesterday that caused me to say something until I remembered to keep my yap shut. I came out of the house and saw Talula, who thought our badminton/volleyball net would make a good swing – and bent one of the posts pretty much beyond repair. It was cheap plastic, so it didn’t take much – clearly, since she’s not exactly a heavy weight. But I was hugely peeved that she broke it, and it took everything in me to not only not go off on her about what just happened, but to even avoid simply asking what we can do about what was just happened. So hard. I haven’t decided how to handle it – I feel like if I wait until DNSN is over, then it will be so far back in her mind. I may need to go to the forum with this one and ask oh-wise-Vicki.

I missed dinner time – had a meeting, so I can’t speak to that one. Now we’ll see how the rest of the night goes.