Socks or swords? April 2, 2010

What was I here for again?

I’ve been in the car waiting for Thor for 5 or 10 minutes and my husband just came out to give me the update: Thor went to get himself socks, but found himself in a sword fight with Talula instead. Oh well, so our roadmap this week with the on time to school was a step backwards – this will be day 2 of 3 late. I asked his dad to give him the “I see you’ve gotten distracted, what did you come up here for” line to get him back on track.

Here’s what I’ve noticed with the way I engage/encourage Thor – I’m afraid to. Ya. I’m afraid to. Well, maybe afraid is the wrong word.

If at some later time I try to talk to him about how this morning went and what he notices on mornings when he’s not ready the night before he will go into meltdown mode and do the “I can’t do it, I don’t know how, I can’t do anything right” dance. I admit that I have no idea how to handle that. I stay calm, ask the what, who, where questions and it gets us no where – except to grumps-ville from him and me throwing in the towel – the conversation will then end with him saying one more “I don’t know” and me responding with an “ok”.

So, then I ask my self, why on earth would I increase the number of times that I have to listen that??? Seriously, I am at best just starting to keep it together on a very regular basis when the meltdown happens of its own volition (ie: ME not asking questions and bringing it on). WHY would I increase the odds of them happening? I know that his reaction is probably just his thing, and for that reason alone I should push the limits and remember that discomfort is ok – but oh, it’s sooooo tiring.

I HAD a plan… March 12, 2010

But I have crumpled it up and thrown it in the garbage.

I had intended to do a roadmap WITH Thor for remembering his remembery board. After some thought on how that would look and some chatting on the PonT forum with Vicki I have decided instead, to do my own roadmap for getting out the door in the morning.

Thor is capable of doing everything we’ve trained him on with respect to mornings – waking up, getting dressed, making lunch, packing his backpack, brushing teeth – but he is not capable of remembering on his own in a fashion that gets him out the door on time. When placed in the moment he gets it all done and gets out the door, usually 10 to 15 minutes late. Unless I remind him the night before to look at his board, which then, in turn, reminds him to make his lunch and pack his back pack the night before, then he gets out the door right on time. I started working on the map last night – and it’s not done – but just the starting of it had it at the front of my brain and I was thinking about ALL sorts of things I can put on my roadmap as he was getting ready for school this morning.

So, my goal is to finish the map this weekend and give it a go starting Monday.

don’t listen to the mouth, watch the feet March 2, 2010

Vicki-ism for week, uh, I’ve lost track – eight or nine I think. Privileges and responsibilities. This concept is a great one – it takes all the responsibility off the shoulders of the parents and puts it in the hands of the munchkins. How badly do they want it? You are going to find out.

As usual, Vicki said something last night on MomTV that rang home for me – this strategy can turn into punishment in the blink of a mood swing. Mmmm-hmm. Pretty sure I’ve fallen into that – Thor gets nasty with Talula and all of a sudden he has to show me for 5 days that he can be kind to the people in our house before he can have a play date. Okey-dokey. Now I know why that hasn’t been so successful. So, here is what I need to remember – they (NOT me) need to come up with the list of responsibilities for said privilege, and it needs to be something they want – NOT something I want to teach them. Got it.

Here is our challenge for the week:

• Make a list of all the privileges your children currently enjoy that do not include any of the accompanying responsibilities.
• And then decide how you will create a more equitable, balanced relationship, household, and way of being in the world for yourselves and your children.

I’ve already identified one: my iPod touch – games, games, games. We’ve done the p&r with tv & computer use – but not this toy. So I think I will revisit the tv and the computer and wrap it all together with the iPod.

On another note. My munchkins vaca from school is almost over – last day today. We’ve had a good one, lots of things done and good times had. Here’s where I messed up: the remembery boards. Haven’t even referred to them once these last 10 days. So basically I have let all responsibilities that my kids have been working so hard on mastering slide down the toilet and now I need to go backwards and show them that they are expected to take part in this family – again. Frick. What a dummy I am. In the words of Winnie the Pooh “oh bother”.

Is it morning time yet? February 28, 2010

Every morning this week that is how we’ve been woken up by Thor. The first morning we simply said ‘no’ and as the week went on our irritability increased.

What is it about young ones that makes them unable to wake up when they need to and bright-eyed and bushy tailed on weekends and holidays? Never will understand that; I suppose I was exactly the same way.

Anyway, once again I was slow to react and finalized realized two things. One: attention boy strikes again and, two: have we explained the difference between weekday and weekend mornings? Probably not. I hope my kids turn out ok despite me.

So we talked about two things. How one can tell it’s morning time that doesn’t involve busting into our room to ask us. He came up with many ways; one involving his alarm clock and his remembery board. And then we talked about why some mornings his Dad and I aren’t out of bed first thing. MAYBE soon, us parents will be able to stay in bed and come downstairs to pancakes, waffles or toast. Yummy.

Do you know what time it is? February 22, 2010

OMG. Sometimes I am amazed my kids are not already ruined. One of the things I noticed in do nothing say nothing was how often I wasn’t saying “15 minutes before we leave”, “20 minutes to clean up before bedtime”, “2 more minutes in the shower”, “we have to leave NOW or we will be late”. Jimminy. It took that (and Talula crying shortly after DNSN while she said “no! don’t put the timer on!”) to realize “OMG, they don’t have wall clocks in their bedrooms”. They have little itty bitty alarm clocks that bark and quack – but nothing to refer to and learn from. Are you kidding me? It took me this long to figure this one out? Oh well. Here we go.

So, once again I find myself living in the middle of paradise, but needing something that I wasn’t willing to spend an arm and a leg for. I could load them up in the car and drive to that place I won’t name, that I really avoid shopping at if at all possible. Sometimes I wanna smack that smiley face. But no, I won’t do it. Besides, what’s more torturous for a child – a 40 minute car ride each way for a 5 minute project? On to the computer I went in search of options – there are lots – but I stumbled on a good one. Etsy. Why I didn’t start there, I have no idea. So if you are in need for a reasonably priced, fun and eco-friendly clock shop (the clocks are old vinyl albums) then go to Bearly Art. They do custom orders, but I don’t have the need to be matchy-matchy with my kids rooms and I had no desire to wait the three weeks. So the next morning I took my kids on their first internet shopping experience and let them pick out their own clocks. They arrived today; totally cute and completely quiet – no hearing the hands move.  So now I have started the process of looking at the clock with them and let them learn how time passes instead of waiting to hear the beep of the timer. The beep of the timer really taught them NOTHING – except to panic when it went off.

I started this post a while ago – never took the time to finish it.

It’s been working well – Thor in particular will look at the clock and ask questions about how much time is left – he even notices that the clock downstairs and then one in his room show different times. Talula is young enough that she is not getting much out of it at this point, but she will be ahead of the game I am sure when she is Thor’s age.

random updates February 18, 2010

So it occurred to me that maybe it was time to look back at where I started 6 weeks ago with this round of Parenting on Track.

Working from the most recent; “Does my burping bother you?“. It occurred to me the other day that it’s been a while – since there has been a loud obnoxious burp. Not that we’ve been gas-less but the overly loud ones seem to have disappeared, for now anyway.

“I hate this time of the day“. That is still something Thor will say at the end of the day when we go over what is left to be done before bed. BUT this morning he actually asked ME to come look at his remembery board with him – it seems as though it is starting to become a part of his routine and that is awesome!!

“Week three“. Training, training, training. Not my strength. Really not. I do ok with the teaching – I think I get that part – but then I stumble when it’s time to let go of the training and do nothing say nothing again. Then I feel like I have my training wheels back on and I get too scared I’m gonna fall off my and scrape my knee. What say you? Roadmap? Oh yeah right. I’m still behind on that homework (see Round two).

“Family game night“. OMG. What to me so long to do this???? Seriously – I cannot say enough about how fun this has been. I don’t see any momentous decline in the pronouncements of “no fair” from Thor, but it’s just one more way for us all to connect. Besides, there is nothing more fun than rockin the “Chutes & Ladders” board.

“11 bucks“. That was a tough few days, asking my son to cough up some money because he was late for school made me feel like scrooge extraordinaire.  My husband and I did re-visit the pay scale we were using/charging and decided it was harsh – so we lowered to 1$ for every five minutes he was late. But it doesn’t really matter – it hasn’t been an issue, he hasn’t been late since then. He does make a choice every once in a while to pay for an extra hot lunch during the week if the menu is appealing, and that is his choice – he can make lunch too.

“Stick a fork in me, I’m done“. I have recovered and feel the better for it. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I am SO glad I am doing this all over again. I’ve learned new and DIFFERENT things about myself and my family this time around. It’s amazing. This is not a one time program – and it’s not that something new is said when I listen to the program – it’s about what I hear.

A slow week comes to an end February 7, 2010

It has been a sloooooow week here in our home. We’ve had a stomach bug, which took Talula out for a few days – and brought any sort of extra-curricular goofiness to a halt with the kiddos. It’s strange to say, but those days when they just don’t feel themselves are somewhat enjoyable. OK, I admit it – it has everything to do with the fact that they need me and are on the cuddly side. Yes, I said it, every once in a while I enjoy it when they need me. Especially Talula, she is so crazy independent & active, it’s nice when all she wants to do is cuddle and read stories.

Today, we are all business as usual, and the battles between the two of them are back and it made me realize what the last few days have been lacking. It also made me realize that this probably wasn’t a great week to be observing their mistaken goals of behaviour – since our lives have been a bit off. So I will continue on with it next week and see what changes.

Training also got a bit lax – so will have to re-visit that this week. We just came home from skating, and later we are off to a friends for Superbowl Sunday this evening – and on the car ride Talula talked about how the remembery boards need to be done before we head to our friends’. Wow. Big progress.

Happy Superbowl Sunday – I’ll do my best to keep up – it’s no CFL. OK, so we use one extra player; but then there are fewer downs, a longer field, a longer end-zone and a missed field goal is live.

I hate this time of the day February 4, 2010

So says Thor two nights ago after family meeting and we were on to getting ready for the next day. It’s not the first time he has uttered those words, but despite his dislike he trudges along and gets it all done – it was actually the appreciation that I gave him the other night at our family meeting. It’s an attitude that’s tough to conquer, I think, especially for a 6 year old.

The remembery boards are doing ok. Thor seems to have worked out how it goes and I think in the next week -or two, I will step back and not say “hey, let’s go look at your board”. Talula on the other hand is still struggling with what her pictures are supposed to help her remember. I guess it’s time to revisit that with her. Maybe time for a little clip art.

My tally board for mistaken goals of behaviour is surprisingly sparse – and all in the power column. I think maybe because I am only marking down instances when their mistaken goal gets a rise out of me, instead of all the times when I think “oh, there he goes, using whatever it is to get attention”. Truly, there are so many things that just don’t get a rise out of me anymore because of what I have learned about the mistaken goals of behaviour. It’s such a weight of my shoulders and just fizzles away into nothing most of the time.

Week Three January 28, 2010

So our third week – Timeline for Training started on Tuesday. I have spent the last couple of days creating lists that answer 4 questions;

1. What can and will my children do without any interference from me?
2. What can they do, but won’t without my interference?
3. What can’t they do because they have not been trained?
4. How will I go about training with reverting to my old interfering strategies?

Whew boy. Here’s my list – which you can skip over, because I’m sure to everyone else but me, this list is about as exciting as watching grass grow.

1) Get dressed, make lunch (Thor), brush teeth (Thor), clear dishes off dining table, clean up toys (Thor), get dressed/ready for bed, and just recently we’ve figured out: contributions around the house, pack backpack for school, pick up dirty clothes off floor.

2) clean up toys (Talula), bathe (but once we give the reminder that it’s time to take a bath/shower they will do it all on their own – wash body, hair etc), set table, get out the door ready for whatever awaits (? I’m thinking the words “I’ll be out in the car” is now becoming another reminder and therefore interfering???)

3) laundry – clean it, put it away, cooking, clean bathrooms, sweep/vacuum/mop, dishes – clean ‘em, put ‘em away, make lunch (Talula), $$ management, pick up after themselves (bathing, snacks, crafts, playing outside), turn lights off when they leave a room, speaking for yourself in public, wood, outside chores, and there is more…just haven’t thought of it yet.

4) Since I have the benefit of having been through this program, I have an idea of what some of the answers are for question #4 – so for now I’m gonna work on my thoughts in the house and write about them later.

Here’s one ah-ha I’ve had when I was training Thor on something or another. He tends to get grumpy when I teach him something and for the longest time I’ve been frustrated by this because I had a belief that if you wanted to do something, you had to be patient enough to go through the learning process. Hmm. So maybe he does rush in – but maybe I need to refocus my belief and see the excitement??? Hmm. Maybe – just maybe – my presentation of the learning process is well, lacking patience and despite any effort I’m making to not lecture during the teaching – that’s what is coming across to him. Hmm.

So the other thing I noticed about my list – not surprisingly the list of what needs to be taught is gigantic (and it’s not even complete); happily I noticed that the things they will do on their own is at least as long, if not longer, than the list of stuff they will do – but won’t unless I nag. I guess that’s encouraging.

Ski boots baby, ski boots January 25, 2010

Back in the car again. Seems like a title for an awful country song.

So our “remembery boards”, as they have been affectionately called, seem to be pointing us in the right direction. Waaa-Hooooo. When I talked to the two of them they (mostly Thor) came up with a list. The one thing he didn’t remember on the list was to make lunch; he did remember that he needs to pack back-pack and most of everything else. Last night came around and I went over their boards with them – still training – and the next thing up was backpack and THAT, in turn, reminded Thor that he needed lunch for school. I don’t give that kid enough credit. So he went to his Dad to ask what hot lunch was at school, and I have been told his response to the lunch was “blech” and said “I guess I need to make myself lunch”. Mmmmm, yummy feeling in my belly.

Talula has re-designed her board. Pictures have been cut out – which was a struggle for me because her pictures were just as random as her drawings. So I would ask “what does that picture have in it that reminds you about packing your back-pack?” And she would reply with something as random as “because it’s Wall-e”. Oh. And so it continued; now one day after picture cutting most of the pictures she cut out does not, in fact, remind her of anything. So we may need another magazine and re-visit this again.

Now I just have to figure out how long training needs to be and be careful not to cross the line into reminding again. Aye, it’s a fine balance (and a great book BTW).

Oh funny. So, it’s much later in the day and I am back home; I was out in the car waiting for Talula. She came out wearing her warm-necker as a hat (it was standing about 8″ above her head). Then I thought to myself, man, she’s walking funny. So down my eyes go to her feet. Ski boots. She’s got her ski boots on. I pause and think: logical consequence and then I re-think “but she doesn’t know the grocery store rules”. So I let her know that they ask people not to wear ski boots inside the grocery store, so she has the option to change. Nope, she’s good. Off we go to shop in our ski boots, knowing that it means she has to ride in the cart instead of walk up and down the aisles with me.

Last night we watched week three of the Parenting on Track program – Timeline for Training. Tonight we follow that up with MomTV and then we jump in and give it a go tomorrow.