Bragging rights June 12, 2010

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I just sat down to read Thor’s end of year report card; and I quote;

“During Author’s Chair, a time when the children read their books to the group he is frequently a voice of support, saying “I like how you drew that picture” or “I noticed you worked really hard on that book”. His encouragement goes a long way in creating a classroom of caring, motivated learners.”

Holy moly. Trickle down. Since I can’t gush to him about how awesome that statement is, I had to do it here. OK. I’m good. Done being the proud parent. Thanks for putting up with it.

Addendum April 6, 2010

Again.

My morning alone with Thor. While he’s having breakfast #2 I asked:

“what would you like to do this morning”;

“I don’t know”;

“ok, since you don’t want to make the choice, I will choose for you”;

“I want to play outside”;

“great”;

“was that what you were going to choose?”;

“no, I was going to choose you play alone while I do work”;

(he smiles);

“isn’t your choice more fun?”;

“yes”

(smiling)

Socks or swords? April 2, 2010

What was I here for again?

I’ve been in the car waiting for Thor for 5 or 10 minutes and my husband just came out to give me the update: Thor went to get himself socks, but found himself in a sword fight with Talula instead. Oh well, so our roadmap this week with the on time to school was a step backwards – this will be day 2 of 3 late. I asked his dad to give him the “I see you’ve gotten distracted, what did you come up here for” line to get him back on track.

Here’s what I’ve noticed with the way I engage/encourage Thor – I’m afraid to. Ya. I’m afraid to. Well, maybe afraid is the wrong word.

If at some later time I try to talk to him about how this morning went and what he notices on mornings when he’s not ready the night before he will go into meltdown mode and do the “I can’t do it, I don’t know how, I can’t do anything right” dance. I admit that I have no idea how to handle that. I stay calm, ask the what, who, where questions and it gets us no where – except to grumps-ville from him and me throwing in the towel – the conversation will then end with him saying one more “I don’t know” and me responding with an “ok”.

So, then I ask my self, why on earth would I increase the number of times that I have to listen that??? Seriously, I am at best just starting to keep it together on a very regular basis when the meltdown happens of its own volition (ie: ME not asking questions and bringing it on). WHY would I increase the odds of them happening? I know that his reaction is probably just his thing, and for that reason alone I should push the limits and remember that discomfort is ok – but oh, it’s sooooo tiring.

Short term memory Mum & Thor March 25, 2010

I have been chewing this distraction/short term memory thing for a couple of days and I’m trying to figure out how I can help Thor. After this ah-ha I realized how important lists are to me – I have a weekly list and I check my calendar on my iPod to transfer stuff to my written list so I don’t have to remember to check my iPod regularly. What a colossal ding-bat, I am exactly the same as him – but I am old enough to have figured out how to handle it all. Seriously, how does ones mind get so irritated by a personality trait that same mind has? Seriously. Mr. Freud, Mr. Jung, Mr. Adler, please speak up.

So, I can do the following;

1. Notice/Re-direct: hey buddy I see you been distracted by that cool Lego – can’t blame you for that – what were you working on before? (somehow that seems accusatory, and I need to work on it).
2. Consequence: let him run out of time because of distraction and now doesn’t have time for….whatever fun thing was planned.
3. Remembery board – it’s getting better.
4. Encourage: I see your a distracto just like me, it’ll get better (OK, so not those words exactly- haven’t figured that one out yet).
5. oooOOOooohhh. Connect with him about getting distracted, let him know how I deal with my mind wandering.
6. Notice improvements without turning it into praise.
7. Capable….uhhh…how do I show him this one?
8. Roadmap??? Ya, probably a good idea.

Ya know what’s perfect about this post? I have been writing this while Thor makes himself toast. He asked about making it 25 minutes or so ago, and he’s still in the kitchen. What’s he been doing? Not entirely sure; I do know that he’s been singing “the Lady with the alligator purse” song and looking at every tiny thing he can reach. And then Talula joined in so that she could peel herself and apple to eat and well, here I am waiting in the car.

Good job!!! February 23, 2010

Week 7. I couldn’t do MomTV last night, so I listened to my audio of Vicki’s spiel on encouragement, and it’s always a great one.

I think this is one of the tougher aspects of this program to go forth with in terms of what you encounter outside the microcosm of your family. Once you get tuned into the negative effects of praise, you then become SO aware of HOW much of it our children get – it’s everywhere for everything and everyone.

I have found recently that I have been praised for the most ridiculous things – and I’m an adult, presumably with my sense of self already in place. Recently I took a course offered at my child’s school and they gave all those who attended what basically amount to a “nice job” certificate. Ridiculous. And this summer I competed in a triathlon, all participants received a medal – regardless of result. Actually, you know what? I worked my ass off for that, I’ll take it. But the “nice job” piece of paper was a waste of a tree and some what insulting.

The quiet makes me forget February 8, 2010

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the “ahhhhh, it’s SOOO quiet in here, I don’t know what they’re doing, but who cares”.

I was sitting at my computer doing a bit of work from home stuff. They were down stairs, not 10 minutes before duking it out. Then I realized, oh, they stopped. What a lovely sound and I proceeded on my way with the task at hand enjoying that I did not have to tune out the back ground chaos. It took me a few a few minutes before I said “oh shit, don’t let this pass by”. I literally ran downstairs, for fear that the pleasantness would be over before I got there. I made it in time, to find the two of them, laying on the floor looking at some cartoon book Thor brought home from school. They each told me which characters in the book they had assumed, Thor was the fox, Talula the rabbit. Not sure what a therapist would read into that – but I don’t care. I sat with them for a bit, taking it in, kissed each of them and said “I love you guys”, and off I went back to work. Now I am off to make dinner, Thor’s choice – chicken fingers, beans and rice.

Keep calm and carry on January 30, 2010

Keep Calm and Carry On was a motivational poster produced by the British government in 1939 during the beginning of World War II, but it was never used. I like it – it works for me. And I find myself saying it my head all the time. I know, its a poster to support one of the most devastating wars in history – but the words resonate with me so. When my kids are duking it out “keep calm and carry on”; when the whining reaches a crescendo “keep calm and carry on”; when the house is a pig-sty “keep calm and carry on”. This too shall pass. And right now, my Talula, has turned the house into a scene – which we just cleaned so the babysitter who is coming tonight can feel welcome – and for every “yes as soon as you clean up that puddle of water on the floor” she ignores she creates another pile of something or another to be “yes as soon as”ed. Ahhhhhh. Keep calm and carry on.

I was just listening to my other “mantra” – so to speak -  which enters my head a lot. It’s a Bruce Springsteen cover of “Keep your eyes on the prize….and hold on”. Also somewhat of an odd one, because when you listen to the words, it seems to be about fighting. Anyhoo. If you just listen to the tune (especially on the Live in Dublin album: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZM3CYEdr5fA) you can’t help but feel lifted and ready to tackle anything when you hear the horns. It got me through training for my first triathlon, and now pops into my head when I’m having one of those moments – you know what I mean – with my kidlinks.

Found another January 28, 2010

Ooooh the buttons keep popping. My children are being freaky nasty to one another. I don’t mean the usual bickering over snatching a toy, who’s turn it is for what, who gets what cup/plate/bowl/fork (about ready to go buy some plain white dinnerware to nip that one in the bud tho’). I can ignore that stuff – most of the time – I’m not perfect.

I mean they’re are being nasty, vicious for a 6 and 3 year old. Hell, vicious for a 30 year old – tone of voice, getting right into one anothers’ face and nasty words. Ugh. I walked away, and didn’t loose my shit with them. But when I think “where is this coming from?” I come back to the same thing: me. My temper can be short. Thankfully, because of Parenting on Track, that temper flares so much less. Oh so thankful. Because my eyes are wide open today, and I can see the result.

I started writing this post a couple days ago, and saved it to chew on it a bit more, because it was a raw wound I was touching.

I managed to never go down the rabbit hole that day. But I got to the edge, and I could see the carrot waiting for me at the bottom.

With as much calmness and fairness as I could muster (this, after I connected with them and made chocolate-peanut butter protein bars and the nastiness still continued while they were licking the spatula and bowl); I said “I can’t take you guys being horrible to one another for one more minute”. Ugh. Did I just water the weed, or did I also give it 100% organic cow poo fertilizer? Oh well, it was all I could do not to explode. So I asked that since they clearly disliked one another right now would they please go hang out in their own rooms until they felt like they could treat everyone in the family with kindness. Then I asked how they wanted to get to their rooms, hop, jump, skip, run or crawl. My daughter went off, my son, well he bawked a bit so I said if he didn’t want to choose, I would be more than happy to choose for him. I chose holding hands together and hoping on one foot to get there. Long story short, they each went. And I cooled off so the explosion never happened. Not parenting from my best is an understatement. Now before you get all “wow” over the above – this is not something I came up with on my own – this is a Vicki “thing” – but I have to say that I did not do it justice, but given my state of mind, I did my best.

My son in particular is SO like me. His anger is quiet until it erupts like Mount Vesuvius, and then all h-e-double hockey sticks will break loose. It is so mind numbingly painful to watch the anger build in him, because I think I can actually feel it for him. I think maybe, I never knew what to do with my anger – probably (?did I just say probably? how about definitely) still don’t know what to do with it. And now I watch Thor struggle with the same quandary.

So since that day I have sat down with Thor and while we did some work on his Pirate Lego ship and we chatted. I told him that I noticed that when I get angry, the only way I know how to get rid of that anger is to yell. We talked about how I noticed that he seemed to struggle with the same thing – that we both get angry and we end up doing something that not only make us feel worse, but we make someone else feel bad in the process. I asked him if he would be willing to help me when he notices I am getting grumpy (and he admitted he can tell when that’s coming on) and think of a way to gently remind me to go off and do something to bring me back to a happier place. He said he’d be willing to but he didn’t know if he could “because he has only 50lbs of it”. I have no idea what on earth that means, but admitting my faults to him and trying to help him in the process feels like a good start.

And while my day was not perfect, we did end on a good note. We all had dinner together, we had family meeting and with my husband back out for an evening meeting I had a lovely end of the day alone with my munchkins.